I have an aunt who is a feminist, which is rather common nowadays so shouldn’t really surprise people. Because of this I get articles on my Facebook newsfeed about feminism which has some of the most aggressive comments I’ve ever read, on both sides. I understand the core principles of feminism, but this aggression I saw out of women who identifying as feminist made me question if I did understand it. This is where my main point comes in, I became confused. At the end of the day confusion is one of the most harmful things there is to a cause. Confusion allows the opponents of a cause to spread misinformation and convince people that would otherwise support the cause, to in fact oppose it.
Full disclosure, I consider myself a feminist. I believe in the need for social equality for women and everything that comes with. While the aggressive feminism I saw in articles did confuse me and almost make me question my stance, I did eventually clear up my confusion.
The main issue I had was the confusion being created by people claiming to be members of the social movement I supported, not by the opponents or the misinformation they spread. This is true for other causes as well, like animal rights, and environmentalism. I’ve written before about misinformation and the need for clarity and credibility of advocates for a cause.
In the example of feminism, if a man asks, “What does feminism do for me?” the answer is not, “Feminism is not about men.” While true, at the end of the day feminism would, in a lot of ways, help many men. That answer is needlessly hostile to someone who potentially doesn’t understand the movement and is trying to get clarity with the rampant amount of misinformation that exists about feminism, mostly spread by the men’s rights movements. Worse yet, that type of answer might give credibility to the men’s rights movement causing men who would otherwise be Feminists to become men’s rights activists.
Not everyone comes to a situation with all the information at hand, and the ability to ask questions is one of the greatest strengths of communication. If you can ask a question, you can, on occasion, receive an answer, or you can seek one yourself with the evidence you can find. The problem is you might find too many answers and not enough clarity as to which is more trustworthy. In such circumstances, you have the ability to ask a question and have someone who has already gone through all the same troubles as you can help you out. Giving an answer that doesn’t answer the question is unhelpful, and potentially damaging.
Arguments can be made that some people ask such questions only to get responses so they can try to shoot holes in your cause/movement. That is true, some people do that, they are assholes. However, there are occasions where the person asking the question is legitimately seeking aid. To turn them away by giving them a needlessly hostile uninformative answer can give credibility to those that spread misinformation, which is never a good thing.
Going back to the feminism example many of the MRA concerns, that are legitimate problems, are covered by feminism. Female equality helps men who are raped, abused, lose custody of their children, or have to pay a heavy alimony after a divorce hearing, etc. Some people don’t see that clearly, and with the shape of our society, I don’t think we can really blame them. We live in a male-centric society, that abuses men emotionally and psychologically as they grow. I mean I’ve actually met men who mocked someone for not being physically able (him being too inebriated.) to take advantage of a drunk girl. That’s fucked up, and it happens.
Men are constantly told not to behave like girls as they grow up. When they are mocked for being bad at something, it is often by being equated to the quality of a girl performing said task. It’s maddening the level of distortion this can create in someone’s head of social structure. If the person also happens to be transgender it can be even worse. Thankfully much of this is being reduced, that, however, is not the same as it being gone and is no excuse to say feminism is less necessary.
So a man asking the question, “What does feminism do for me?” suddenly doesn’t sound as bad. Maybe it’s an internal struggle, and the right answer could help give someone peace of mind that they otherwise would not have.
The society we live in is harsh to men as well, and the feminist cause, hopefully, will lead to much of it being dealt with. Merely explaining such would give someone, who might be on the fence, the push to join the side that might actually help them. As MRAs offer little in the way of actual efforts to help men who are not part of the twisted societal idea that men are superior.
I identify as a feminist, but I must also point out that I am one of the types of guys who is actually hurt by both the societal view of men, and angry feminists. I’m certain some of them are trolls, who aren’t feminists and act on what they think feminists believe. Some are just fringe members who aren’t in anyway representative of the main movement.
Some, however, are feminists who allow their anger to cloud their judgement. The kind of women who become overly aggressive at men for complimenting them. Now I know many men come on too strongly and you have every right to say no to them, I’m not talking about that, nor am I saying you should let them down gently even if they are your friend. Most importantly I’m not saying you shouldn’t be angry; you have every right to be angry in many situations. I’m talking about men who think a girl is pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/ETC., but says nothing to her, because he doesn’t want to seem a creep, or that he’s attracted to her. He just wants to give her the compliment to give it. An example would be a friend of yours who is self-conscious might like to hear they’re attractive once in awhile.
I’m going to make this as clear as I can, I’m asexual and aromantic. When I compliment anyone on how they look I don’t expect it to lead anywhere, and don’t want it to. You could say I’m an exception because of that fact, but I want to see a society where it’s not a social standard that a compliment=let me in your pants. To me it doesn’t and never will. To me telling someone they are beautiful is just me being lazy, instead of complimenting them on a list of specifics: eyes, hair, general shape of their face, weight, height, cleanliness, hygiene, ETC. It seems to me that some people live in a world where women don’t complain to them about how they look, and, therefore, have no reason to compliment them outside of a want for sexual intercourse. Maybe I’m just looking into it too much.
Also not going off the handle and calling something sexist, when it isn’t. This happens far less often than some men would have you believe, but it does happen. My main case for this in recent memory for me would be Spider-Woman. Sometime ago Spider-Woman was portrayed on the cover of her comic, in a pose described by some as sexist, with her presenting herself to the reader to sell sex to teenage boys. They made claims about this being a pose Spider-Man would never be in. The reason this is not sexist, is Spider-Man was in that pose ten years earlier and no one made a fuss. I knew this at the time I saw the first story about it, because I read Spider-Man ten years earlier. It’d be sexist for them to specifically avoid a pose used by Spider-Man simply because she is a woman. They also criticized the art style of comic books, saying they drew her as though she was naked with her costume painted on. Again all comic book characters are drawn that way, female characters aren’t an exception, it’d be sexist if they were. Ironically, the people claiming she was being sexualized were the ones being sexist, because they clearly only made a ruckus about it because she was a woman.
I went into feminism a bit more there than I intended, but it’s a pretty good example to use in the circumstances where the confusion level is caused by both parties, also many people are relatively familiar, and have an opinion on it.
I’m not exactly asking feminists, or any other group with fringe members who make you look bad, to do anything about them, just asking for when you’re asked questions to give answers that help and are answers. Otherwise, you are helping the tide of misinformation that is being spread by your opposition. Be honest and express your opinions openly, curiosity is not a rejection of your viewpoint it is only a lack of information. While it might only be a bait question, answering aggressively can give them reassurance, whereas answering honestly might put them off balance. Most people asking it as a bait question are trying to make you angry, an actual well-thought answer is the best defence against such things.
Non-answers are as bad as misinformation. They create confusing and don’t help people become, or stay informed. Only as an informed educated society can we ever hope to achieve our goals and grow.